It has just occurred to me that I really don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Sometimes the path seems clear, the horse blinkers are on, the bit is between my teeth and I race towards the final line.
But, at other times, more especially so as I write this, I seem to be in daze, lost and confused, the map upside down. I stand in the middle of an unknown location with my backpack upon my shoulders, my hiking boots with rolled up socks upon my feet; and adventurer’s hat tight upon my head, blocking the searing sunshine that marks me out as lost tourist.
Have I been here before? In this location, in this situation? How long has it been? The worn condition of my apparel confers suggestions, but I can’t seem to remember…..
I feel like a marionette, the strings of my life controlled and positioned by the unseen hands of unknown puppet masters, forces I can almost grasp.
I'm creating all of this content, involved in so many mediums, each time I feel I can't get any more intrenched or wedded, something else ensnares me..
For what purpose I sometimes ask? Yes, perhaps for a noble purpose to be of service, to inspire to install hope, faith, belief. All noble concepts, and yet…..
….What if I walked away, pulled a vanishing act, “for my next trick, I shall disappear.”. There I go up in a proverbial puff of smoke! Would I be missed? Would anyone notice? Would anyone even care? Is such a thing even possible? Have I become trapped in a spider’s web of my own making? Or does someone else have to cut the strings for me?
Strange thoughts indeed. Time can be measured as L.B. ( life before) and L.A ( live after). I know I’m not the same person who started upon this journey as the village youth; knapsack on a stick slung over my shoulder, as I look upon the big smoke’. Thoughts of Sam Pig Seeks His Fortune draws a wry smile.
But if I’m not the person who I was before, then who am I? Am I me? Am I the light bodied multi-dimensional entity I experience in my Astral Travels? Am I Zenith or TheZenith. Am I the human being who interacts with friends, relatives and and loved ones? Am I that person who is me when I’m alone with my thoughts? Or am I all of these things like a multi faceted diamond?
I’m not so sure anymore…
When I was little, up into my teenage years, I used to awaken from sleep sometime at night. I could not look upon the physical environment that surrounded me. My perception was askew, distorted. I felt vast, enormous, everything I looked upon was tiny, in miniature. Yet, at the same time nothing had changed, my ratio in relation to everything else was normal..
But, I could not navigate my surroundings, I felt between two worlds. This experience and distortion continued when when I closed my eyes. The feeling was there you see, I could feel it, not just see with the physical eye.
I would stumble from my bedroom in the houses that I lived with my parents and siblings, sometimes down flights of stairs seeking comfort and reassurance within my parents embrace. At times like these the family doctor was called as my parents did not know how to help me.
The doctor, when he arrived would examine, question and ‘diagnose’ me. His advice was that I hadn’t woken up fully.. Even then, my little self did not really take to this explanation ( or perhaps he was exactly right!). The only way I could make it ‘pass’, was by attaching a clear glass or glass tumbler, to my face and look at the world through the distorted view that was reflected back at me…
Many, many years later when recounting these experiences, to a contemporary colleague, teacher and fellow traveler along the path, It was relayed to me that I was still within the Astral Realms, some of me was at least. This being decades before I would induce such states on my own. Perhaps this ‘unsettling feeling of not really belonging, of separation of self is a relative of those experiences. Curious and curiouser.
Perhaps this is a good thing. We’ll see…
And so with that I exit stage left, the puppet show has ended, to applause, jeers or bemusement I know not, nor much I care, for my attention is now turned to this conundrum. I leave with a Q’uote that seems appropriate to ponder..
“We leave you in appreciation of the circumstance of the great illusion in which you now choose to play the pipe and timbrel and move in rhythm. We are also players upon a stage. The stage changes. The acts ring down. The lights come up once again. And throughout the grand illusion and the following and the following there is the undergirding majesty of the One Infinite Creator.”Ra – The Law Of One
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